-THREE-

A little over a week now and it'll all be over. Bush and Kerry will be done nattering at each other (directly and indirectly) and one of them will have gone the way of the beaten boxer. The trick for me is trying to figure out what kind of leader Kerry will be. I don't like Bush but we (as a country) know him and have gotten used to seeing him on TV. There is an unfamiliarity in voting for Kerry, but I didn't vote for Bush last time and those who know me know of my adherence to tradition. I'm not naive enough to think that one person is going to make all the difference in the world and if we elect Kerry, there will be no magic cloud that envelopes the country where--BAM!!!--everything is suddenly hunky-dorey and we're all flying the flag high in the sky. But a change can help.

With all the election hullabaloo, I see that, right now, these two are the same candidate. Oh sure, they have different beliefs and they're from different parties but they want each others' votes badly. Within the confines of their respective tickets, Bush is trying to get the liberals and Kerry is trying to get the conservatives and they meet in this stupefying and frustrating confluence of rhetoric that, from a genuinely concerned political point of view, doesn't answer much at all. But, from another point of view, it's a presidential election! This isn't politics, this is entertainment! It's bigger than Nipplegate (or the Superbowl for that matter) and it's an enjoyably brief time every four years when all of half the population turns its attention away from the supermarket tabloids and spends a bit of attention on what is going on in the world. It's like Christmas for political science majors.

In the spirit of peace on earth and goodwill towards men, I have a recommendation: we elect them BOTH. Yeah, that's right Bush/Kerry in 2004! A lot of the press I've been exposed to has focused on Bush's no-nonsense "we're doin' this 'cause I say so dammit" approach to the war in Iraq and what could be better in keeping that under control than Kerry's journalistically dissected and comparatively Woody Allen-esque neuroses? I think a writer from the Knight-Ridder syndicate painted a picture of the candidates that detailed Kerry's role as the brain and Bush's role as the heart. Oh, this gets better and better! It could be like The Wizard of Oz and The Odd Couple all rolled into one!

A scene from a typical day in the oval office:

(INT--The Oval office. George W. Bush sits in his chair, drinks his tea, and looks out the window onto a beautiful sunlit lawn. He sheds a tear. He knows not what to make of this most recent display of emotion, but he doesn't care. Men must express what they feel; for the people of this great nation are expecting him to do just that. It is the other who does the thinking. The tears come in greater strength now, the sunrise is so beautiful and Laura got a lovely haircut yesterday that he, naturally, noticed right away. There is such joy in the world now that the brave boys and girls in the armed forces are coming home. The wienie with the wavy hair was right; the UN exists for reasons other than service as political toilet paper. They will help us bring peace to a troubled region of the world--but wait!--he hears footsteps outside the oval office door. He knows right away that it is the stranger. He wipes away his tears and turns on a football game.)

(Enter co-president John Kerry from stage left)

Kerry: Good morning, Mr. President.
Bush: Good morning to you, Mr. President.
Kerry: (in reference to Bush's mini-TV) Who's winning?
Bush: Texas, of course.
Kerry: Of course.

(They share a hearty laugh and clap each other on the backs)

Kerry: Did you wash that hand you're touching me with?

(They share another hearty laugh)

Bush: Oh, you! You should really unwind, you know?
Kerry: I will give this some thought and reflect deeply on the knowledge I obtain.
Bush: Right.
Kerry: (after a brief pause) Mr. President, I have some alarming news.
Bush: What is it, John?
Kerry: I've just been informed that a sub-sect of striking telemarketers have taken hostages in Golden Gate Park on the west coast and they're demanding that we--
Bush: Bomb 'em!
Kerry: What?
Bush: Bomb the shit out of them!
Kerry: Now, George, I don't think that's wise do you?
Bush: Yes, it's wise! There are people in danger and we must wrap them in the comforting blanket of freedom.
Kerry: It's ludicrous and you know it!
Bush: You're right, it's silly.
Kerry: There you go.
Bush: Why?
Kerry: Hmmm?
Bush: Why is it silly?
Kerry:...(Lost. He moves toward the phone)I...I...
Bush: (equally pained) Make the call. Cheney is in San Francisco.
Kerry: I. will. not. fail. him. (Picks up the phone and dials--after a beat) Hello, dear...yes...yes...hostages, that's right...Bush wants bombs and I talked him out of it...he wants to know why we shouldn't ...yes...uh-huh...uh-huh...thank you dear...not now dear...Goodbye.
Bush: What did she say?
Kerry: She said that we cannot bomb a major metropolitan area. As much as we might try in avoidance of it, there would be civilian casualties.
Bush: We don't want that.
Kerry: Huh-uh.
Bush: Bless your brain, John.
Kerry: I'll get Edwards on this, right away. He and his crack team of ninja commandos can be in S.F. airspace and defusing these nuts in ninety minutes.
Bush: No guns?
Kerry: No guns.

(they begin to exit)

Bush: Let's go open a school, huh?
Kerry: Wait.
Bush: What is it, my friend?
Kerry: Theresa and I are having some trouble, George. She says I'm becoming withdrawn.
Bush: Say no more! I am well-skilled in the numerous arts of love and will share some insight into the human condition I have gleaned from years of rigorous partying followed by obsessive desires to prove myself.
Kerry: You will?
Bush: For you, of course.
Kerry: Bless your heart, George. I wish mine were as full.
Bush: (wistful) If I only had a brain...

(another hearty laugh)

(Kerry exits)

(Bush picks up the phone)

Bush: Hello, secret service? Have a jisousine brought to the front of the mouse. Education awaits!

(Fade to black)

Pretty sunny, huh?

Seriously, vote the way you're gonna vote folks. Regardless of preference, abstaining is far worse.

Happy Election Day!
-IT-


I've been reading (the comic book edition):

-Sleeper: Volumes 1 and 2 by Ed Brubaker and Sean Phillips
-100 Bullets Book 5: The Counterfifth Detective by Brian Azzarello and Eduardo Risso
-It's A Good Life If You Don't Weaken by Seth

I've been listening to:

Love and Theft-----Bob Dylan
The Mosquitones (self-titled)
When I was Cruel-----Elvis Costello

I've been watching:

The Lion King
Day for Night
U-571