Election '08

Four years ago, I wrote a short comedy sketch on this blog about what I thought it'd be like if Dubya and John Kerry had both won the '04 Election. And, only because I demanded it, I'm about to do the same thing. Here we are, again! It's Election Day! We're paying attention to things that are going on in our country. Shaky economy and different world engagements! Experience and inexperience, race and ties, male and female; it's been a helluva year and I've been eating it up!

So I'm going to jump in this time with a little less prelude and hope that you'll just find the jokes funny. Without further ado, I bring you "If They Both Won '08." ENJOY!

Fade up on: The Oval Office. Morning. President John McCain rises from his desk and moves to the window. It is a beautiful morning. The sun is up and there is enough dew left on the lawn that the yard seems to glow. He winces, but not from the reflected sunlight streaming through the window. His arthritis has been bugging him again, but because it is an easy joke for the writer to open with, McCain does not dwell on it. He awaits the other. Through the door to the outer office, he can hear raised, excited voices. The other has arrived. Men and women are audibly swooning but it is with a political lust that they do so in such a manner. The clamor reaches fever pitch and stops just as the door opens. President Barack Obama strides into the room. The two men briefly pause and eye each other over the desk and the moment passes. They smile and shake hands and slap each other, heartily, on the back.

Obama: Good morning, John!

McCain: Barack, how are the children?

Obama: Wonderful. And yours?

McCain: Mmmm?

Obama: Your children.

McCain: What do you mean?

Obama: John, you have children. Many who have proudly served in the armed forces.

McCain: I guess I do!

(They laugh. And laugh more. The joviality of it all!)

Obama: But on to business.

McCain: The fundamentals of our business are strong.

Obama: Please don't.

McCain: I apologize.

Obama: No need. You've served our country with distinction.

McCain: Yes.

(Another laugh.)

Obama: So, this morning, we have a meeting with the Morgan clone about our re-design for the Nasdaq.

McCain: Yes, listening to Al Gore has yielded results. Texas has made a 57 percent conversion to Gore's new protein plan.

Obama: Insects, right?

McCain: Yes, with the U.S. providing, the new technology has given us a massive economic push. The Nasdaq's current number scale can't properly represent such growth and the casino parties on Wall Street haven't ceased.

Obama: Bugs.

McCain: Who knew?

Obama: Can we talk about solar and wind power, now?

McCain: Dammit--!

(They are interrupted by a white house aide carrying a paper bag.)

Aide: Who had the reuben with extra roast beef?

McCain: (points condescendingly toward his partner) That one!

Obama: I skipped breakfast. (Takes sandwich) Thank you.

(Aide leaves.)

McCain: What's next?

(Phone rings.)

Obama: This is me. Just a minute...

(Picks up phone.)

Obama: Yes, Kaleel! Great hearing from you!

McCain: Who is that?

Obama: My gardener.

McCain: Uh-huh.

Obama: Your expertise is appreciated, as always. Thank you!

(Hangs up phone.)

McCain: Everything's okay?

Obama: Yes. Our yard is on a drip system, now.

McCain: An enviable position in the world.

Obama: It pays to listen to others.

McCain: Uh-huh. Moving on, do my sources have it right? Biden had a union rally at Joe the Plumber's office and they defused the bomb?

Obama: Yes, Biden made an emotional plea. Genuinely cried a little...people aren't hating tax increases if they have assurances the money goes to a good place. And Palin?

McCain: She's bringing my convertible back from the car-wash. I told her if she dented it, there'd be hell to pay.

Obama: Excellent.

(They laugh again.)

McCain: Barack? Can I trouble you with something else?

Obama: Anything, John. What is it?

McCain: It's Cindy. She's an amazing woman, but, have you seen her dresses?

Obama: Say no more, my friend, my lady can really put on the clothes. I'll have Michelle get her back on track!

McCain: Barack...everyone should have a friend like you.

Obama: Everyone does.

(They laugh and exit the Oval Office amid more back-slapping and hearty handshakes.)

Pretty sunny, again, right? Whatever your prefs are, just get out and complete a ballot, friends. This is an important one. Thanks for reading and Happy Election Day!